Blowing in the Wind
Characters: Xiao, gn!reader
Premise: In which Xiao mourns for the one he loves
Word Count: 2,248
Warnings: Major character death
Author’s Note: I’m alive! I know I keep disappearing, but honestly I’ve had a pretty rough start to the year. Not to make one of those author’s notes where I list all the crazy stuff that’s happened but yeah… it’s been rough. But here I am! Back and ready to regale you all with as much angst as possible. It is my favorite genre after all! I hope you enjoy it!
Xiao
My words will never reach you. I will never hear you call to me again. You lie far below me, and your spirit is far above.
Liyue had a special energy, frenetic and lively yet filled with the ancient calm of a city that – until recently – had been led by a god whose age was as unfathomable as his power. It was that power that the Traveler was basking in one clear cool morning, a morning that promised a clear, calm day. Paimon flew next to her, chattering about this in that in the way that was Paimon, attention caught by every glittering object and unfamiliar scent that they drifted past. Though Paimon could sometimes be overwhelming, Lumine couldn’t bring herself to chide her traveling companion. At least not now, when the world was in a reverie of just waking up.
Drifting past Third-Round Knockout, Lumine spied a familiar figure sitting at one of the tables. Evidently her traveling companion did too, for Paimon let out a loud “Hey! Zhongli!” momentarily disturbing the peace.
If Zhongli was disturbed by the sudden cry of his name he didn’t show it. Smiling, the ex-archon put down his cup of tea. “Ah, Traveler, Paimon. How lovely to see you.”
“You too Zhongli!” Paimon enthused, immediately flying over. Sighing, sure that this would end in Paimon begging for a meal, Lumine followed.
I only figured out what I wanted to tell you after you left. Now I have the words but no one to tell them to. It is worse to realize too late than to not realize at all.
Sure enough the offer of tea was made, then a meal, then the realization that Zhongli didn’t have as much as ten mora on him. By that time fronting the bill Lumine allowed herself to be lulled into a gentle reverie of conversation, finding such well worth the cost of paying to sate Paimon’s invincible appetite.
“It’s truly a beautiful day, very auspicious. The adepti will be in a good mood today, for Cloud Retainer will not have to worry about her equipment being damaged, and Moon Carver and Mountain Shaper in return will be glad for the peace and quiet. If not, Cloud Retainer might be inclined to look in on her neighbors and then…” Zhongli shrugged. “Forgive me, I did not mean to speak of the past. It is a day for such musings I suppose.”
“You always have such interesting stories Zhongli!” Paimon enthused. “Besides, it’s more interesting than talking about our recent activities. These commissions, I wonder when we’re actually going to start being paid properly!”
“Why do you call it a day for reminiscing?” Lumine interrupted, knowing well that if Paimon began to complain the group would be liable to be sitting there all day.
“Ah, a reason that touched someone else more than it did myself. Still, it was a sad story, one cannot have a part in it without somehow changing. Then again, I suppose it is that way with most things in life. Adepti, human, deity, one cannot exist without being touched by those around us. Only there are some who carry the burden more easily than others. Some are forever changed, cut themselves off from the world for fear of the repetition of history, for fear it is them that brings calamity.”
“Xiao,” Lumine whispered. For a moment there was a pause, as if to attempt to conjure up the man in question. Yet soon enough Zhongli nodded his head, a soft smile painting his lips.
“Let me tell you a story. It is one worth doing so, even if it is not one very pleasant to speak of.”
You were so perfect. Everything you did was perfect. And I destroyed you.
“It was back when Xiao first began his contract with me. He was wilder then, having just been freed from great suffering, yet also somehow happier. Or perhaps it was only that he was more willing to be happy. He would walk among the people scattered across Liyue often, though even then he despised the bustle of what would one day become this harbor. In truth, I do not know the proper details of the matter, but it was on one such voyage that he met, well, them.”
I can still remember the first day we met, the sunset in your hair. It was like a halo had formed around you. I could not believe that you were not an adeptus yourself. If was only when you bowed to me I realize that you were human. You were my equal even then, even when you were calling me ‘my lord’ and making some stupid promise about not meaning to trespass.
“Xiao was immediately entranced by them, or so it seemed to me. You know how time differs between humans and adepti. Yet even by human standards, I think they must have fallen in love quickly. What is that concept that you humans so love? Ah, yes. Soulmates. In truth, I do believe that, if there are those meant for one another, than they must have been. Xiao did not change, not per se, but he did soften. It made me happy to see, for though I had freed and named him, I had not been able to teach him what is so difficult for those of us who live above the clouds to learn, the value of humanity.
“You may think Traveler that Xiao does not much think of individual humans, but that is not the truth. Indeed he was much wilder then, much more willing to shed blood to make sure that impurities were treated. I do believe if I had not forbidden him from killing humans he may have done it, not for hatred but for lack of understanding. Yet he softened then, for in this love was a window to a new world. Xiao had previously walked amongst humans, but now he lived among them too.”
You always told me how much your life turned upside down after you met me. Yet I changed so much more. I’ll never be that way again. I couldn’t without you. Everyone would stare at me, and you would not be there. You would not tell me that they did not hate me. You would not tell me that I was not destroying them.
“I do not think that Xiao understood the fragility of humans at the time. He did not understand the ways that they so easily fall, did not understand that time passes differently for us. Nor did he understand that most crucial aspect of human life, their ability to survive. A human may love and may lose and they will live on, as long as they survive those first harrowing moments. An adeptus is not the same, will never change, will never move on. That is one of the reasons that adepti do not enjoy the company of humans. Adepti rarely understand humans on their own terms, and if an adeptus does manage to befriend, or even love, one, that will not change. An adeptus that loves a human dooms themselves. Yet I did not have the heart to try to tell Xiao such a thing. Even if I had, I do not believe he would have listened.
“Yet even time was not as kind as one might have hoped, for Xiao did not see his love grow old, though that may have had its own ravages, its own sorrows. No, not all tragedies come at the end of a blade, some come with a sudden chill, a cough that does not go away, an illness that ravages towns and cities.”
They said that your village was safe, that the illness was in Mondstadt. They said that you would be alright. They lied. They were all liars. They lied and they killed you because of that lie. Or maybe I killed you, who knows, maybe I was the one who brought calamity on you all.
“I only met them a few times, did not witness their death. Xiao did however, and just as he was changed in their meeting, so too was he changed in their parting. It is a pity, they were too young to die, the reason too mundane, too foolish. Yet that is what one must accept when one walks with humans. They either are cut like flowers, their life draining from them just as it began, or they wither, skin and bones and wrinkles and living frailty. Which one is more tragic? The swift end or the drawn out pain? But that is not for us to decide, only to accept.
“Xiao, however, could not accept such a thing, could not find a way to edge his grief in something. There are some tales that are sad when they end, yet some live on, haunting us, refusing us all the peace we may be allowed, the comfort and the calm.”
You’ll never know how I reacted. I’m glad you won’t. But if you’d been there, it’d wouldn’t’ve happened. If you were there I, I wouldn’t’ve been crushed.
“It is not for me to say how Xiao was changed, nor what his actions were. He has ever been loyal and his moral code ever strict. Yet one can be cruel even when one is not committing outward wrong. And Xiao has ever been committing wrong against himself since. A penance not even I can absolve him of. Just as an adeptus will ever love a human in life, so will they ever mourn them in death.”
I never had any use for my name, or at least I don’t now. I am grateful to Morax for it, but I hate it. I hate it so much. It is worthless now, for now you will never use it.
The breeze was soft, the sunset warm. He had not moved in hours, had not budged an inch. It was like this every year. Only when the sun went down, when a new day came could he pry himself up from his spot, kneeling in the ground.
You had always seemed a bit self-conscious about your birthday, explaining how weird it felt to be a year older, to realize that the past year was over, that you were different now, older now. Even if you assured him you were still young, you also seemed to be in mourning over your past self, even though you had been them a mere day ago.
Yet you seemed to love when he came to visit you, loved the flowers and leaves and stones he found for you. It was a special day, your birthday. It was a day that you two always had together. It was the day you had come into the world, and how could that not be such a joyous thing, something worth celebrating? Even now, even when you were gone, even when he should curse it, he could not help but love today. Even when it meant staring at your grave, the pain in his chest stronger than ever, the grief drowning him.
“A beautiful sunset.”
The familiar voice of Morax echoed through Xiao’s ears. Always he waited at your grave, and always his benefactor came, as if he might ease some of the weight. Xiao did not in truth believe he did, but he could not bring himself to dismiss Morax either. He could not heal Xiao’s pain, but Morax was still the only one who could watch over him. Maybe that was enough.
“It’s… fine.”
“I’m sure they would laugh at you for saying that.”
“Maybe.”
A pause. Xiao did not mean to be so dismissive. And yet, he did not know. He would never know now. You were gone.
“I do not wish to interfere in your grief, in your memories. Yet I must tell you, Alatus, Xiao, one I named, you sell yourself cheap. As do you sell the one you loved. You blame yourself for the fickleness of fate, you blame them for leaving you. Even if you say you do not. You have never accepted the transience of humanity. It is that, as much as the impurities you defeat, which is killing you. It is the knowledge that their heart would break at your never ending grief that gnaws at your heart.”
Xiao did not know what to say, merely letting Morax walk back down the gently sloping hill. He was right, he was completely right. Why did you leave him? Why? The unfairness bubbled up inside Xiao, as did the shame. It was not your fault you were born human. It was not your fault you died. Yet it hurt, it hurt so badly. It burned a hole in his soul, and nothing would heal it. Not a millennia, not all the birthdays in the world. You were gone. You were forever gone.
Eventually night came, and with it the reprieve of knowing another birthday was over, the sorrow of another year gone without you. You would be centuries old now if you had been born an adeptus, yet Xiao’s love for you burned bright as ever, a flame that would never die so long as the yaksha could remember his name, remember who he was.
There was a breeze floating along the hill as Xiao began to walk towards the Inn, it played at his hair, danced around his mask. Xiao it seemed to speak into the night. Xiao.
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