Obsessiveness is a very common trait among certain types of narcissists, but most commonly with Covert and Malignant Narcissism. Malignant Narcissism is a diagnosis, not a personality trait. It’s essentially a maladaptive form of NPD that overlaps antisocial personality disorder. Unlike the obsessiveness of other kinds of narcissists, who may be hyper focused on a grate, or work outcomes, malignant narcissists fixate on people in order to cause stress or harm. They exhibit specific traits:
Fixation upon revenge or vindictive behavior; they contemplate revenge, or ways to victimize their target to the degree of fantasizing about it routinely. For them, inflicting harm means they are stronger, and that strength holds their fragile self-image together
Unprovoked rage; because they have such low self-esteem, all aspects of criticism are seen as attack. But so does the success of their target. Most particularly, they will respond with vitriol, extreme lies, irrational arguments, exaggerated meanings, and the rewriting of history in order to prevent success or to cause harm to the target.
Compulsive behaviors; particularly lying or always being right, fixating upon specific actions taken by the target that offend them. It can also lead to stalking or the documenting of their target in order to remain connected.
Obsession with those they wish to victimize; Most often they will refuse to adhere to boundaries, most particularly those they feel are not “valid”. They like order, because control is important for them, and so will usually superficially adhere to things like restraining orders, while subverting them in ways that are designed to antagonize the target without specifically drawing attention. This superficial adherence allows them to further victimize a target by gaslighting them— making them appear paranoid to outsiders who can’t see the harassment. Because of their lack of empathy, they don’t recognize the validity of their target’s feelings, meaning they will essentially grant themselves permission to act as they please and disobey any boundaries. If eventually found out, they will usually attempt to justify their actions with the same sort of creative reasoning used by other narcissists, but unlike those who try to appear to be the victim, malignant narcissists focus instead on being righteously driven to their actions. “They were a bad person, so I had to…”
Paranoia and the actions associated with it; part of their obsession is also the paranoia that accompanies their own inflated sense of self. This can be confusing but let’s outline it. Deep self-esteem issues lead to a habitual overcompensation, inflating their own achievements or importance. Acting on this alternate version of themselves, they’re acutely aware some people might see through them, and so they’re constantly looking for attack and reacting preemptively. The obsession with how they are seen, and needing to be validated or framed as a correct and righteous causes them to constantly rewrite history
Extreme competitiveness or rivalry; they will often become invested to the point of argument, engage in pettiness, exaggerate the significance of events in order to reframe themself as the center of their target’s focus. In other words “if you weren’t so obsessed with me, you wouldn’t have noticed me looking, so really you’re the bad guy here.” This competitiveness or rivalry can often manifest as a kind of false bond, relation through antagonism. They can even feel as if they e been invited to behave this way by their target.
The infliction of suffering; they have a sadistic streak that allows them to take pride in their machinations and pleasure in causing harm, because again, they’ve worked it so that they’ve justified how they behave, endowing their actions with nobility, in their own mind.
In other words, a malignant narcissist obsesses over their target, does not respect boundaries, will act covertly to get a rise and cause stress, use every form of manipulation possible in order to gain ground. They feel an almost compulsive need to win, best others, antagonize and lie. They not only need to win, they need to hear their target concede.
So if someone won’t respect your boundaries, lies, obsesses over you, seems to take pleasure in baiting you, breaks rules to get their “narcissistic supply” and works diligently to win an argument, crush disagreement, or gaslight, then they are likely a malignant narcissistic type.
So if someone tells everyone you’re irrelevant, a waste of time, or whatever else they say, but never seems to get tired of covertly harassing you, then be aware that they likely obey this set of criteria.
People who call you irrelevant are the ones who spend the most time contemplating you. People who actually find you irrelevant, don’t even know you’re alive.
Funny how that works, eh?