do any other NDs on here experience this thing i like to call “pattern brain” where u try to go to sleep but you can’t stop imagining the same thing over and over, kind of like a dream but kind of not, so you sorta toss and turn in a half-asleep daze while your brain is stuck in an infinite time loop……………
like tonight i could not stop imagining the outlines of different countries over and over constantly shifting just these little amorphous blobs that never really turned into one country or the other, but i kept seeing them. but it was also about like some abstract representation of the many different possible endings/plotlines that a TV show could have and in my dream state i was like just trying to choose one of them but none of them were satisfying
or sometimes it’ll just be like various details from a movie i just watched playing out in my head over and over, and the characters will just keep saying stuff like “come one we found them we have to defeat them” but they never go do it like it just keeps repeating that one scene. or like if i spent all day working on a spreadsheet like my brain will get stuck as if im still working on it and i’ll be thinking that im still entering data into little cells over and over, or if i was looking up books online i’ll just keep seeing different book covers flashing through my brain constantly
it’s really like i get stuck in a pattern of having done or experienced something during the day and then my brain just can’t get out of the routine of having done that and it thinks im still doing it even if im not and will keep imagining that it’s happening at 3 AM when im trying to sleep it’s really annoying lol
anyway does that make any sense or am i possessed by a demon that makes this happen exclusively to me
can i say how much i hate how the depp-heard trial has played out on social media platforms. like first of all, this isn't even a criminal trial, it is a a libel case, and the bar for libel is really high in the US. second of all, it feels so much like a pile on, and i know some people will say that amber heard deserves it, but there is plenty of evidence that they both sucked as partners to each other. did he hit her? i don't know. neither of them come out of this looking good though. that relationship was toxic all around. also, her lawyer being incompetent is not a good thing even if she is in the wrong? trials should not be decided on the fact that the other lawyer ran circles around yours because yours was incompetent. and some questions brought up against her are really run on awful assumptions about abuse survivors. i don't know if she is one, and it's really not my place to judge. like i wish people would just stop deciding the damn trial on like oh she paused with a tissue up to her face you know? like this is such an awful backlash to someone who, as far as i can tell from the evidence, was, at best, in a mutually abusive relationship. That term is from a witness that depp's team called. and i know that if the case gets decided for heard, which i really do think it will be, social media will hate it. here's the thing tho, like as long as heard was hit at some point in the relationship, i don't think she loses this case because that's how libel law works in the US. if we go purely off of evidence put forth, (which i really think we should do 'cause both these people are good actors and/or going through heavy emotions, which makes guessing at their testimonies really not a useful exercise) these two people sucked as a relationship. and there is all this backlash against heard and none against depp. i don't know, it just feels very icky. the way that social media has made everything into memes and irreverent comments discomforts me, and i'm not even an abuse survivor. there is so much testimony online about how much this trial sucks for abuse survivors. like regardless of who is right or wrong in the case, there are people being negatively impacted by the social media surrounding this case already. have some empathy.
TLDR: it's a fucking libel case, and social media has made this whole thing super uncomfortable and toxic. do better people.
Coming up to 30 after only being diagnosed with ADHD/Autism in the past two years + going through a 10 year relationship breakdown is so fucking frustrating because I feel like I’ve burned through my 20′s in two ways - one on a relationship that was based on the ‘fake’ masked me and the other just not knowing what the hell was ‘wrong’ with me the entire time.
Like I’m very concious right now how fucking sheltered I am and I don’t know how to fix it because a lot of this sheltering has been largely self imposed because of fear and social anxiety. After my relationship breakdown I have no real-life friends and I don’t know how to make them. My partner WAS my only social outlet besides my parents. And now I just feel like I’m too old to even figure out where to look for people. I don’t know where to fucking start.
Sorry to get all vent-ey but on the offhand if someone has experience or sage advice I’d very much like to hear it :V
he's stimming /j
no but are we seeing... that....
before interacting;; carrd
trying to even pinpoint what is going on with you and saying what is causing what is hard when you already have an alphabet soup on your brain of more than one diagnosis, which sort of and often leads to the suggestions and advice to just focusing on the symptoms primarily. though that is complicated when you are like me and want to know what is going on specifically. but at the same time to have the potential experience of something being caused or intensified by two different things overlapping at once, or if something is actually happening because of one thing over another that could both lead to it but different reasons you might not be able to register right now, or if it is x causing it but not y or even what if y is actually just a confusion from x existing and overlapping with z? brains are hard and trying to pinpoint things is difficult to attempt to do a lot because of how all over the place it can be, because that’s just how brains can be sometimes I guess
Who needs alcohol to get hungover when you can get a sensory hangover instead /neg
I'm autistic and this is how I look with my new B00B 44DD noise cancelling headphones /j
Okay to reblog
something i've been thinking a lot lately is how people who aren't autistic tend to think that they're meeting autistic people in the middle when they're really just taking one step.
it's this quote, from "quiet hands,"
until I move 97% of the way in your direction you can’t even see that’s there’s a 3% for you to move towards me.
people often legitimately think they're making a fair compromise. they don't understand that you're moving so much further than them, because their perspective is so fundamentally different.
it's exhausting and painful and humiliating to talk about. people accuse you of demanding too much unfairly because they can't see that you're moving so far to meet them.
this is me rn
I love Tumblr because on other sites I felt a need to be coherent but here I can just post things like "I play my autism card face down and end my turn" at 2am and if anyone notices it at all they'll just be like "yeah that sounds normal" and maybe other fun autistic ppl will see it too idk
any other autistics really enjoy like making lists. cataloging information. organizing words. putting a bunch of links in order. so much fun
Today was okay, the cpap adjustments didn’t help as much as I hoped but I did get 3 hours of use at least last night, which is better than nothing. I turned the minimum pressure down to the lowest possible so I can see if that helps tonight. Being I’ve recently been glutened my gi system is still rather sore and sensitive and the constant air getting into it isn’t helping one bit. I have tried putting the air reduction for breathing out down a level because the highest felt odd but the highest is also my best bet of not getting air in my gi so after trying it for a nap today and finding it intolerable enough I decided to nap without it all together I decided to go back to the highest reduction. Honestly I’m getting nervous that I won’t be able to adapt to this therapy; but worst comes to worst the insurance company will surely be more willing to fit an oral appliance if I tried cpap already and it didn’t help because it was intolerable. We will see though and I will keep trying.
I ate shit today, a bunch of Candy again but I also got my outfit for the wedding and I fit perfect in my dress so fuck it lol. My gi was better than the past two days but there was still an instance of at least mild diarrhea anyway so I again didn’t bother keeping my food journal because I’m just trying to get my gi to have enough energy to heal itself properly however I can. I am probably going to try and maybe some veggies tomorrow though because even if I needed the sugar to help super charge the healing response just eating sugar isn’t any good either. I didn’t even eat real dinner today, realest thing I ate was a bacon grilled cheese on my base culture low carb gluten free bread. Otherwise I ate a whole bag of haribo summer addition gummies because the summer flavors are so banging I couldn’t say no to getting them, and some raisinettes. It was probably at least 800 calories for just those two containers of candy, guess 250-300 for my sandwich and another 150 got my cinnamon raisin toast with butter and honey for dessert at least, maybe more. Still decently fitting to calorie limits today at least, yesterday I’m pretty sure I was over by quite a bit.
Pains around a 7.25, fatigue is around a 7. I spent most of the day resting again but I did manage to shower, mainly because my face was oily and I had a deep set pimple getting so inflamed it looked like I bumped my head, ones this bad are rarer for me but I have had at least one worse in middle school. I’ve been treating it with Benzoyl peroxide Cream and I have a zit sticker on it that I applied after I bathed so again I’m hoping this goes away soon. HS is still flared a bit other places as well but they seem less angry at least. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair as well. The bf has leftover tacos for dinner, I haven’t been able to make mussels eat more of them yet, the meat is good and the egg white wraps are tolerable, but idk tacos seem less and less appealing for some reason, probably adhd related reasons.
I did have coffee today but only my morning cup. I did do laundry last night into this morning and even folded it all and washed my blanket finally as well so it’s no longer smelly of old night sweats. I will say that so far the cpap has not reduced that much unfortunately; I mean maybe a little less so far but not even enough of a change I could say for sure something changed. The shoes I got for the wedding came today as well and I think they should work well, they have a crazy amount of space Above my foot if I don’t put my insoles over the ones already in there instead of taking theirs out , so I’m probably going to go with leaving there’s in and adding my insole on top. I’m still worried there might be a decent amount of heal rubbing or things like that but I mean I can grab some mole skin or put bandaids on my heels or kt tape i I need to reduce rubbing. I might try to break them in walking arrive the house a bit before the wedding to be sure they are as comfortable s as possible.
The dress definitely reads as more black and white than navy and white to me but regardless the dark blue petticoat works well with it despite the fact it’s long enough I have to put the waist under my breasts to get it to only just be visible under my dress ( I probably should have checked lengths but it works and i my was cheap lol) and I’m sure the clutch I got should as well. I think I will try and steam the petticoat and the dress at least prior to packing everything up because there are definitely some creases, but at least the outfit looks lovely and I should be able to go braless without issue. The bf still has to get ask his things tighter for the wedding as well, I got brown leather dye if he wants to try and fix up his older shoes still or change the ox blood color of the ones I got him to replace the only ones to a color that matches the rest of his leather accessories properly. He is worried he might have to have his suit tailored or something too but adhd has prevented him from trying it on yet. I’m guessing it will likely fit okay but it’s still better to try out sooner rather than later. I will probably use one of my fancier gauges at the wedding as well, I’m not sure about make up because it’s a pain but maybe a little. I’m actually kind of excited to see the pictures of us this time, it’s rare I have a dress that fits so well in such a flattering style and I’m sure I’ll actually like them this time.
Anyway that’s about all I can think to mention right now. Hands still quick to get sore, stomach still not happy. Oh I found two young mail goes in my female guppy tank and removed excess guppy grass from all my tanks today. The mashes must of been from one of the batches of fry they had in their own tank after they had already had a batch in the make tank when I mixed them all together. I think I really should worm them all soon, some of my fish look kind of Skinny.
autism…. ENGAGE!! *pushes big red button* *starts buying dolls on the internet*
People like to talk about all the different struggles that come with being autistic, but one that people never really touch upon, but I think is probably one of the biggest struggles that autistic people face, is the sheer loneliness.
I've heard people mention many times that writing something on the internet and then erasing it because you think no one wants to hear what you have to say is an ND experience. I never really considered it, but I thought about it some, and it makes sense. Autistic people - as well as some other ND people such as those with ADHD - are often fed the message that nobody fucking cares.
Infodumping as well as the autistic tendency to share personal experiences as a way to show compassion are love languages. Especially in the case of infodumping. Our special interests are something that are often intrinsic to our worldview and identity. It can sometimes even feel vulnerable because you're letting someone else in on something that's sacred to you. We try to communicate but other people don't understand our language. So we're seen as annoying or self-centered when we're just trying to show love. That's heartbreaking.
A lil prom photo dump! it was a great night. i got very overstimulated and slept until 4 today, but i had a great time lookin pretty with friends
I even ended up doing a toast to the teachers! i was so shakey, but i did it!!
look at my momma, tell her she looks pretty :)
if one more person follows me without reading my carrd first I'm gonna cry and shoot myself in the head with a sharpened dildo
why does the autism assessment ask you if you want to get married/ have a partner? Seems a bit amatonormative to me.
An other over expressive autistic person when they're masking their facial expressions instead of having to tell themselves when to smile and stuff they have to tell them selves not to make it too expressive? Like when you're listening to someone you gotta think about keeping a more neutral face instead of making a bunch of weird faces?