i'm kinda addicted to those shit illnessfakers subreddits. idk why. maybe to make myself feel better because i know I'm not as far gone as the subjects? i have these desires and do act on them sometimes but at least my IRL social media doesn't have "hey, look at my new medical problem! check out this new device I totally didn't order from amazon!" every other post, and when I cave in and do something stupid, i actually care to keep it small and believable and not openly bask in the attention.
in a way i feel bad for participating in those circles because those are people like me. and I know very well the pain of being trapped by a web of lies and maladaptive desires that you feel you have no escape from. having people repost your pics and mock you can't be much of a help for healing from that. BUT then again most of the subjects are horrible spoiled unpleasant people outside of the factitious disorder so I shouldn't feel too much empathy lmao. i hate that I have this in common with those people.
i have some kind of factitious disorder (munchausens). I feel a lot of shame for it and i have no outlet for it. I can't tell my friends or anyone i know, they'd never trust me again. this is where I aim to be completely honest with my thoughts . I want to stop this and heal from it, i don't want to be a faker.
things I've done:
- pretended to faint twice
- faked absence seizures
- done copious amounts of careful research on epilepsy to understand what seizures look like and how to fake them.
- lied about a bad ex-friend hurting me to make him look worse and make people feel bad for me (he already was awful and cruel asshole to me and to others, so I feel this isn't too bad of a thing since everyone i know already hated him. i would never lie about someone who was innocent.).
- fantasized and planned out many scenarios in which i hurt myself, make it look like an accident, and go into the ER, or allow a friend to find me and take care of me. or scenarios where i fake having a seizure and my friends have to take me to the hospital. I know this is terrible and that's why i haven't done it despite having these manipulative desires to do so.
Im not proud of any of this. I want it to stop. I don't know what the point of this blog is other than to maybe feel less alone. this disorder is so extremely stigmatized that i can't talk about it anywhere unless its anonymous. i feel too scared to get therapy, I don't know if i could find a therapist who'd understand and want to help me. currently I haven't done any behaviors like this for several months (except daydream about them) so that's a win I guess.
remember the time i had a sh side blog with hundreds of followers where i openly posted NSSpoisoning and wrote what were practically tutorials on how to falsify serious illnesses in ways that were often more deadly than the genuine illnesses themselves then i got terminated for a series of images that happened to show scratches on my neck that i got, by accident, while working, at my job, where i work, safely
yo, anyone got some Old Shit™ to rec? i’ve decided that current content is, in fact, Trash, and i’d like something older to consume, thanks
#ze.txt #i feel like i need to add a /j here but also if y'all don't get that i'm pretty much always joking or over exaggerating or being factitious- #then have you even been reading my posts at all #smh #anyway actually do please rec me some older stuff? anything except books is a-go #i miss old fandoms. i miss being into something where the fandom is almost entirely dead and gone #current stuff have so many people it's horrid #like no thanks. i wanna sit in my corner and have my little gay fun and if too many people look at me i WILL go feral
the internet, trying to appease its normies: uwu youre not faking cuz [the bad evil] ppl who fake know theyre faking!!!
me, a person with genuine factitious disorder, not having any idea what is or isnt selfimposed or caused by which brutal form of harm ive done to myself after gaslighting myself about dozens of things i cant even remember after 2 decades: **yOu KnOw WhEn Ur FaKiNG**
Fakes severely hurt the community. They hurt advocates and creators, most of whom don't get even half the clout you do, because they're not as geared to manipulation. Or their alters aren't as interesting. Or they're not as attractive.
Or you don't find it amusing to see the ugly side of the disorder you're cosplaying.
(The last thing on anyone's mind while they're having a panic attack is to reach for their fucking phone :)
You are taking up space. You are grifting for financial gain. You are pushing survivors out. You are spreading misinformation.
Suck it up. Suck up being reported. Seek the help for the disorders you actually have.
It is clear they think this way because they are being misinformed.
They did not come to these beliefs about how dissociative disorders work out of nowhere. This is a result of pervasive repetitive misinformation - in the forms of attention grabbing, over the top "alter" videos.
And now this individual wants to traumatise themselves in the hopes of getting a cool new headmate.
“Hey! I hope you’re doing alright today! I know your blog is about endos, but in my experience as a polyfragmented system this post is kinda hurtful. It really feels like you’re poking fun at fictives and systems with lots of fictives. I know it happens to be a big thing for endos, but speaking as a polyfragmented system, having lots of fictives even from the same source is common for us. Your post also contains misinformation. Alters, even fictives, can form any time there is a traumatic event when you have DID, not just as a child or during the initial trauma.”
I will do my best to be as clear in this as I possibly can. So I’ll have to go over this again.
“Hey! I hope you’re doing alright today!
I know your blog is about endos,
OP here refers to ‘endogenic systems’, or a plural system that exists without trauma. The blog ‘endogenichaven’ states ‘various theories’ for them occurring – mainly spiritual, psychological or neurological.
Dissociative Identity Disorder is a complex, posttraumatic, developmental disorder. It is frankly offensive to claim plurality as a natural state of the human mind. It is pathogenic and abnormal because it is literally that – not the norm.
‘Endogenic systems’ completely undermine the suffering which led to an individual becoming so traumatised, their identity fragmented to protect themselves.
Uncritically believing endogenic rhetoric is harmful for trauma survivors. If you are not traumatised, you are faking having a serious, disruptive, mental illness.
Regardless of my feelings towards endogenic ‘systems’, I never stated my blog was to poke fun at them specifically. They are certainly included in my mockery because they were never real to begin with. But that is not the be all and end all.
but in my experience as a polyfragmented system
Professionals refer to someone with over 100 alters/parts as ‘polyfragmented multiples’. Other professionals use it for dozens. Polyfragmented DID was previously known as ‘Complex Multiple Personality Disorder’ and has never been a separate diagnosis.
(Kluft, R. P. & Fine, C. G. (1993). Clinical Perspectives on Multiple Personality Disorder. American Psychiatric Pub, ISBN 0880483652)
If, truly, you have a dissociative disorder, I reiterate my pinned post: I am sorry. You should not have been hurt. You should not have been traumatised. You should not have been put in a position where your mind had to do this, where it was the only way out.
If you’re roleplaying: Get fucked.
this post is kinda hurtful. It really feels like you’re poking fun at fictives and systems with lots of fictives.
That’s correct. I am.
Yes, alters may be created which are internalised representations, or introjects, of fictional characters.
‘Fictives’ is not a term used in any (respectable) DID research or literature.
Mostly these form from childhood influences – nursery rhymes, fairy tales, children’s books. Most examples of these are found in case of serious prolonged abuse, ritual abuse, MK-Ultra. And most of these are formed during childhood. They are rare.
(Sullivan, K. (2006). Unshackled: A Survivor's Story of Mind Control. Dandelion Books, LLC.)
(O'Brien, C., & Phillips, M. (2005). Trance Formation of America: The True Life Story of a CIA Mind Control Slave. Reality Marketing Inc. ISBN 0966016548.)
I know it happens to be a big thing for endos, but speaking as a polyfragmented system, having lots of fictives even from the same source is common for us.
If you’re claiming that you have multiple introjects all from the same, recent, source, you should know how suspicious that comes off as.
Your post also contains misinformation. Alters, even fictives, can form any time there is a traumatic event when you have DID, not just as a child or during the initial trauma.”
Traumatic events like this?
Sure thing, Jan.
If I’m even going to believe any of this. If I’m going to believe that someone was traumatised in early childhood enough for their brain to react by forming alternate personality states.
If I’m going to believe that now they’re older, and have been repeatedly traumatised, and it’s formed a new alter/part.
If I’m going to believe that that new alter/part is coincidentally a fictional introject of the media you’re into now.
If I’m going to believe that that fictional introject of your Currently Watching anime is fully conscious, self-aware, capable of fronting and external communication/internal coherent communication.
If I’m ever to believe any of all that: It should still not be at the prevalence that I see on these hell sites and in these hell communities.
Dissociation is not the formation of entirely unique and different personality types. It is a disconnection between mental states of a single person.
Dissociation is not knowing how everyone looks, knowing everyone’s personalities, names, having well-developed headspaces. It isn’t knowing that everyone is all from a different source, exactly what memories they have, their specific pronouns.
Systems are not “multiple people in one body”, they are pieces of a whole person.
Alters are not the defining characteristic of DID. They come with amnesia, trauma, confusion, and dissociation.
Most of having DID is being unaware of having DID. It is a covert disorder of stealth and self-deception. It is denial and pain and dysfunction.
catboyzinc, i’m not excusing my behavior under “i have DID, therefore i can educate on it”, i’ve actually read plenty about DID, books and papers. that’s what i’m basing my information on, not my own subjective experiences with DID. i never said anyone was faking for not being like my system, i never said anyone in particular was even faking at all. get your facts right before insulting me and displaying you have no actual arguments to support your stance.
shyocean, DID research is not as full of professional disputes or disagreement as you think it is. there is plenty of reading to do on DID, and if you’d actually tried to look for books and papers on DID, you would know this. “dissociation and the dissociative disorders”, “understanding and treating DID”, “the body keeps the score”, “got parts?”, “healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors”, are a few examples of books alone. you’re also mistaking saying “a bunch of these people probably don’t have DID” with “fakeclaiming”. faking is intentional, and you can be mistaken about having DID without intentionally faking it for many reasons, such as a poorly done self diagnosis. saying that some people within a group probably don’t have DID is not saying they’re faking, i’m simply saying that whether or not they’re faking, they probably don’t have DID because the way they describe their experiences do not match up with the literal decades of scientific research we have into DID.
DID is not under researched, and the research of DID is not full of disagreements, you’ve bought into a lie--one that the community of people who don’t like science because it doesn’t say what they want it to--made up to keep people from looking into the research of DID. maybe see it for yourself before believing statements like that.
i never fakeclaimed any singular person, and rather made a blanket statement (”most”--not “all”) about a community that spreads misinformation and armchair diagnoses other people based on said misinformation. it is not inaccurate to say that many of these people do not have DID based on this, whether they’re doing it intentionally (”faking”/malingering) or are just confused (factitious).
what are your sources? are you saying that you support poorly informed self diagnosis, not reading books and papers about DID to understand it and its treatment better, and that having DID makes you instantly qualified to educate on it whether you understand it or not? what do you think qualifies as “doing the proper research” on DID?
the two of you clearly haven’t read very much on the literature of DID itself.
thought of the day (might just be paranoia idk): so YES i am actually sick/disabled blah blah blah BUT after doing a few days worth of research now (def not enough yet) i’m starting to wonder if my mom might have a mild form of munchausen by proxy (factitious disorder imposed on another is what it’s called now i believe and i think she may have factitious disorder imposed on the self too but that’s another story)? don’t rly feel like elaborating beyond that but the more i read the more gross i feel about it.
#this is someone rooted in the relief/almost pride? i always felt from her when the docs found something wrong w me #like for her she wanted to be the hero that was the one who found out what was wrong with me #to the point of being untruthful so the docs couldn’t diagnose me and then coming back with the correct diagnosis herself and seeming #like super smart and involved as a parent cause she was the one that figured it out #and a lot of time there was NOTHING wrong #i just so happened to be disabled in the end #i ended up elaborating a bit oops #this is rly bothering me
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The somatic symptom and related disorders (SSRD) are a group of disorders in which bodily (somatic) symptoms or illnesses are associated with psychological factors. SSRD diagnoses include somatic symptom disorder, conversion disorder, illness anxiety disorder, and factitious disorder.
Somatic symptom disorder (SSD) is characterized by extreme concern regarding one or more actual physical symptoms (eg, fatigue, pain). Individuals with SSD typically have a high level of anxiety about their health and devote significant time and energy to their symptoms (eg, repeated doctor visits, researching symptoms online).
Therefore, a patient who repeatedly presents with extreme distress about his mild health symptoms and who devotes significant time to worrying about his health despite his primary care physician's reassurances would most likely be diagnosed with somatic symptom disorder.
(Choice A) Dissociative disorders are characterized by disruptions in memory and identity. A diagnosis of a dissociative disorder would not best account for this patient's symptoms.
(Choice B) Personality disorders, which are characterized by inflexible and enduring patterns of thought and behavior (ie, personality traits) that differ markedly from social norms, are stable over time and across environments while causing significant distress or impairment in functioning. A diagnosis of a personality disorder would not best account for this patient's symptoms.
(Choice D) Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by excessive and uncontrollable worry about a range of topics (eg, health, finances, career, relationships). Although some individuals with GAD may have health-related concerns, these are not the primary focus of their worry as in SSD.
Somatic symptom disorder (SSD) is characterized by extreme distress and concern regarding one or more actual bodily/physical symptoms (eg, fatigue, pain).
Last ask about this I promise, but Abe again popping in to add that there are actually a LOT of disorders with high overlap with DID. That's actually the reason self diagnosis is so discouraged specifically for DID/OSDD - it's next to impossible to do accurately. The big assessment scales tend to be based around differentiating dissociative symptoms of DID, BPD, other dissociative disorders, psychosis, factitious disorder, and even general PTSD/CPTSD symptoms. Even just being neurodivergent can very much alter the way you view your personality and how it's structured. It's very tricky to diagnose BECAUSE there are so many things with similar symptoms. Only OSDD or DID can cause alters, but plenty of other things can cause compartmentalization. I'm thrilled Erin has a blog now where she can speak openly, I can't wait to follow
Yes. I won't claim to have alters or be a system, cause those are terms associated with DID - and I really don't blame people with DID for wanting their own communities about the specific experience of having dissociated parts as a result of childhood trauma. They have a unique experience which I can't relate to as a person who experiences identity compartmentalization as a result of schizophrenia and I acknowledge and respect that fact
My grandfather very well could have factitious disorder/malingering and we can't just get him to admit he's faking because then he'll probably show up at our house and scream at us
He literally is faking dissociative amnesia and memory loss, which I have episodes of due to my ACTUAL disorders and not like...faking shit. I'm actually diagnosed with attachment trauma that causes dissociation and I'm actually diagnosed with ADHD which causes mild short term memory loss, he's just an asshole who GAVE me the first disorder in the first place
mthings from co-op game theory that i did not have planned ahead of time and came up with at the last minute:
* The Knife Thing. i have what you could call an "emotional timeline" for this fic, which is to say, i wanted the nature of their relationship to hit certain points at certain times, but i didnt have a concrete plan of what i would do to get there. and i wanted to start ramping up the sexual tension before they got to black mesa east/set up the whole "flirting via cartoon violence" thing like theyve got going on in the ACAB stream. so i had benrey quite literally penetrate him, uh, a second time. theres a lot of symbolism at work here
* adding in other POVs wasnt something i imagined doing when we started this fic, but i realized it was kind of necessary to get some actual Plot and Mechanisms going. HL2 is a super linear game that is very light on direct exposition, so you dont get a whole lot of plot beyond the occasional environmental storytelling......and thats not a lot of fun to read LMAO. writing the other HL2 characters ended up being a lot of fun and let us show off how they might interact with each other in the backdrop of the actual games, so i think it worked out okay
* manhack matt being an actual fleshed out character wasnt something we had planned, either. for those of u who havent played HL2: everything you saw with him in chapter 6 is completely made up. in actuality, he says like 3 lines in-game and then dies. originally that whole scene was gonna be from benreys POV, but i think hes a lot more unnerving if you dont actually know whats going on in his head. so we made manhack matt into a whole Guy and you get to see how a normal person views the behavior of a video game AI with a massive crush.
(i dont know how many ppl picked up on it, but he 100% interpreted benreys "were best friends, actually" line as benrey implying that theyre gay lovers. hes just polite and didnt dig any further into it b/c hes got more important things to worry about than Gordon Freeman, Savior Of The Free World having a weird boyfriend.)
* sometimes i literally have to draw out these timelines in order to plot things out. heres one that ended up being almost completely factitious b/c i decided to move the chess pieces around in different ways
we are on ch 10 now. they are still not at black mesa east. hell on earth
i decided not to engage & instead block op for my own sanity, but this is still a bad fucking take.
1. i actually know what person they are referring to and i have seen the horrible bullying and ableism with which they were treated on tiktok, so i literally don't care if they're fake or not, it was bad, they're a teenager and deserve to be defended from adults and peers leading a harassment campaign.
2. ppl online often exaggerate or confabulate, that doesn't mean they don't have a condition. there is a fucking incentive for ppl to play up or even lie about their symptoms online due to how social media works. that doesn't mean they don't still have a disorder, you don't know them personally, you're not their doctor. you can't dx someone over the internet.
3. fakeclaiming always harms disabled & mentally ill ppl. faking a disorder or disability is very rare, but almost every disabled person who talks about their condition gets accused of it. hell, especially when it's about DID. all the DID youtubers i know of have been accused of faking. i haven't met a single disabled person who hasn't been accused of faking or at least exaggerating their symptoms. compiling "masterdocs" to "prove" that someone is faking feeds into harmful ableist stereotypes, plus it's just plain weird and creepy. why are y'all so fucking obsessed with surveillance and online vigilantism, don't you have any hobbies??
4. everybody deserves to be treated with empathy and respect, especially when they're not harming anyone but themselves. it's one thing to "bully" a nazi off a platform (it's not real bullying lol i just don't know what word to use), that's just basic community safety, but a teenager who's only being cringe and maybe perpetuating some comparably harmless misinfo? what the absolute fuck. also, idk, if someone tells you they have a disorder, you don't have to believe them, but it costs exactly zero dollars to leave them alone if you don't. and if your argument is "they're clearly trolling", ok, all the more reason to leave them the fuck alone.
5. yeah, a lot of ppl don't understand psychosis, or delusions, or factitious disorder. and some use these terms incorrectly. doesn't change the fact that it's the kind, morally correct, and statistically supported thing to engage with someone who claims to have a disorder on the assumption that they do have a disorder, whether this one or a different one. if someone claims to have EHS, i know that they don't because it's pseudoscientific nonsense, but that doesn't mean they don't have an illness they are suffering from, and assuming they're a faker or a hypochondriac literally doesn't help anyone. it's frankly childish to call those who attempt to engage in good faith "dumb as fuck" just cause you don't want to have empathy with someone you have deemed a bad person.