Also. Just remembered I could have a conversation with him in spanish and that makes me incredibly happy !!!
oh cute, he probably has a special appreciation for spanish-speaking fans
thinking about pat as someone who's spent most of his currently lived life attempting to prove that he's capable of being an arbitrary level of good that he can never achieve is like just. so much all the time.
like, obviously constantly holding your child in comparison to another is a sure-fire way to mess them up no matter what!! but i do think that for pat the issue truly takes root after pa almost drowns. it's not a question if pat can swim or not, either both he and pran can’t or they can, it doesn’t change the outcome: pa was drowning and pat froze up for long enough that pran was able to get her out of the water and comfortable enough in his arms. he's a child and almost experiences one of the most horrifying failures, someone dying because of their own passiveness/inability in a situation. made worse by it being his sister and then even more so by the person he's always being compared to being the one to save her.
pat’s traumatized by the event and is left with a fear of being unable to save/protect his loved ones, but now the only aspect of his life that was untouchable by pran was now ruined. being an older brother was something they never could compete in, it was all pat's and it was safe from the pressures that were being placed on him, and while it doesn't turn into a competition there's now a bar pat won't ever be able to reach. it's not pa or pran's fault, but her discovering pran isn't a bad person and in any manner comparing the two of them did effectively take away the one thing pat could call his own and there isn't really going to be a time where pa is going to be like “well pat is better than pran in these ways” because it's really not serious in pa's mind, just a way to rile pat up so he really does need to lean more heavily on getting validation in the other aspects of his life with pran to make up for it (even though it never will).
it's hard when he doesn't get it and it's even harder because he's growing and he can't find it in himself to hate pran because they're the same. they're both victims in this. but if pran isn't the bad guy, and never has been, what is pat supposed to do? admit he'll never be better? because pat's still the same failure he was the day pa almost drowned in his mind, the day when pat realized he was a failure was the day he first realized pran was good, and if pran hadn't changed, despite pat denying it, does that mean he hadn't either? despite trying to prove otherwise?
in a way, it turns from obsessiveness with being better than pran to being just as good as him. even if pat doesn't realize, pran has become his standard of good. he's growing with pran instead of against and he's finding freedom and solace in pran even if it's hidden behind layers of pretense. being teased and goaded by pran is different than when others do, almost like a weird form of reclamation. being good to pran, and pran thinking he's good is the strongest validation he's ever gotten.
but then the concert happens and pran's gone. pran's gone and it's his fault. even if it was both of them making an active and defiant choice to grow closer, to not be enemies, for pat it's his fault. he wasn't good enough when he was passive but he still isn't when he's active, and there wasn't anyone who could pick up the slack this time. his classmates loath him for it and his father will be proud because, in the end, it was the neighbors that turned and ran.
pat's life becomes defined by the absence of pran, the absence of good, the absence of pat himself. he can't get away from pran and it only hurts now, because it's a harsh comment made in passing about him by his family or someone being openly fond, wishing pran was still there and it's suffocating. the guilt and lack of pran. pat lost the freedom that he had found within pran and is stuck aimlessly trying to prove himself because he's always needed pran to earn validation or to feel truly good about himself. he's desperate so he keeps trying despite getting no where. offers more of himself than he has, lets himself get taken advantage of. he resigns himself to whatever his father wants, whatever life he wants pat to lead will be enough for him if it means he can get the praise.
but it's all wrong because he's still just the kid who couldn't save his sister, still just the teen who got someone's entire life uprooted, and now he's turning into a young adult that he can't fully recognize as himself. he has emotions he can't deal with and no one he can talk with about them. so the only choice he has is to disconnect from himself because it’s easier, to go throughout his days being more of a stranger to himself than someone he’ll never see again at a bus stop.
university is the first place he can exist without pran, separate himself from the day pa almost drowned and just pretend that he's just a son trying to make his dad proud because pat's so tired of it, he has to try and delude himself. but then pran's back and once again every aspect of pat's life involves him and he lost the bit of freedom he was grasping at. pat's torn between relief of pran being back and devastation because now pat's so close to what gave him the most freedom but it also forces him back to those original failures. he might not have to re-prove to his father that he's good, but he has to with pran, feels like he has to with pa too (and in a way with ink later as well, since she still knew that version of a good-by-pran-standards pat).
and he does, he puts his all into it and he starts to feel good about himself again, starts to realize to be good in the way he wants doesn't line up with his dad's again because it goes against pran's. pat is stuck between the passiveness he needs for his father's validation and the activeness needed for pran's (which is also self-validation and freedom, pran is just what's tangible for pat; because pat has never known himself without pran as a reference point).
when pran tells pat he wants him to stay guilty and owe him, it really stabs at him and the same when pran doesn't really offer pat acknowledgment when he comes to tell him he got the video deleted. pat's not necessarily being thoughtless or dense when he lists off things he's done for pran when he asks if he would like him, he's just desperate to get verbal validation because things are so different now than they were before and pat’s in the process of re-learning pran too, so he can’t just assume like he would have when they were younger. it hurts more than it should when pran says he hates him because pat isn't lying when he says “even i like myself” because he finally does again, after all this time thanks to pran helping him find the real pat— the pat he helped create. but it's not enough, pat's still not enough and he doesn't know why. his parents are praising him for being class president and having top marks in class but pa's still saying how pran would do his own laundry and pran would rather sing that song with wai.
it's really... idk, it's heartbreaking to see pat's desperation to be seen as good to the point where he's willing to make himself as small as possible in his own life. being with pran makes it better because with him pat has the ability to be himself and exist outside of this black and white brain space he's been trapping himself in for years. pat still tries and it's so sad to see but pran's not looking for him to prove his worth, it's never been about if pat is enough to pran so pat's met with acceptance of his flaws and failures finally, of the most vulnerable version of himself. he doesn't need to bleed himself dry or erase himself to be good. pat's losing the validation of his father now not because he's trying to be good like pran, but because pat's just being himself.
pran can’t fully erase his insecurities or anything but pat’s life is finally his own. weakness for pat is no longer something to be ashamed of, and he doesn’t view it as something that is inherently violent anymore either. yes, he is still the kid who froze up while his sister was drowning but now he can recognize that he's a lot more than just that. he's a good older brother, a good friend, a good boyfriend. he has a lot to be proud of himself for, and that matters a lot more to him than an understandable reaction he had as a child.
pat’s standard of good had always pran, and in the end it became pran and pat, together, because having pran within reach allowed him to find himself and see himself for what he really was, what he’s always been: good.
When I said Marc's voice wasn't Oscar's regular voice and nobody believed me... but I always knew it was different 😌
the problem isn't that i'm fat. the problem isn't that people say mean things or tell me to lose weight. people tell me i need to be bigger. people tell me i'm wasting away. i'm naturally very thin, almost frail. i weigh 98 pounds and i am 5'8. my bmi is, like, 16 or something. no, the problem is that i'm fucking sick. i punish myself by refusing to let myself eat until i can do things pefectly. i feel disgusting when i eat in front of other people, so i only eat dinner, and only after everyone else has left the room. it's the fact that, despite being constantly told how thin i am, my thighs still look huge. my jaw still looks soft. my face is still too round, the fat around my hips, my jaw, again, my thighs, and especially my chest is still to prominent. i want to starve until i lose all markers of femininity i've been cursed with. i want to waste away until my chest is gone and the revolting menstral cycle i'm stuck with ceases completely. i want to starve until my hips and ass are nonexistant. i'm the inverse of what everyone says as a warning, and i want to get sicker. i deserve to get sicker. maybe if i'm so sickly and frail that i can barely walk, people will finally listen. i'm already halfway there, unable to stand or walk for more than fifteen seconds without feeling as if i'm about to faint. i know i'm thin, but it's not enough. i want to be bone. i want to be sicker. 98 pounds, and i'm not dead yet. i'm not in the hospital. i want to see how much farther i can push it.
Just had a dream that two new ibvs chapters came out and it was WILD.
Charlie was confirmed to be trans and he became a comedian at a public library, but he wasn’t good at it at all. He just mentioned two characters being dead (they were not dead they were literally sitting in the crowd) and then he just stood there until he left the library with the people he said were dead.
There was also Freddie who was alive for some reason and a sleepover with all of the main characters apparently happened and also Chris mentioned having a sister???? I can’t remember anything else
Isaac clarke is really gay for a ’straight protaganist’ lmao
the amount of suffering oscar isaac and rachel weisz have caused to my innocent (that's right innocent !!!) bisexual soul... I wish I had never laid my eyes on them
What song(s) do you associate with you and Issac?? :00
First off HIIIIII I haven't talked to you in forever I hope you're doing good ♡♡♡
Second, my ship with Isaac has quite a few songs, all of which can be found on Lenore(my insert)'s playlist right here [LINK]
A small list of the most important ones follows:
Downfall - Matchbox 20
The Drugs - Mother Mother
Church - Fall Out Boy
Curses - The Crane Wives
King and Lionheart - Of Monsters and Men
an ongoing bit for moon knight fics should be people comparing them to poe dameron and all of them going "yeah i don't see it. handsome bastard though"
it seems clear to me that the closest i'll ever get to marc spector punching me irl is to be a cameraman
where can i sign up?
No one:
Me: Oscar Isaac is such a great actor, he's so talented, you should check out his work
me and oscar isaac fighting to know who loves steven grant the most 👊
