habits lately include crashing like a grandma before midnight then waking up at 4am

i like it because it gives me enough time for myself, time that i dont find anymore when the day stretches on and im just worried abt paying the bills

the hours before the sun shows itself have always been my saving grace. i feel like a human the most during these hours. it's also when i ache, yearn, miss the sea so much i feel a physical pain in my chest. but im hoping to travel more this year (maybe w friends, family or s/o, maybe solo) and spend some time by the sea, by anywhere really other than my own bedroom. love my bed, sick of the walls containing it

all things considered, i still feel grateful for a lot of things even tho this month has been such a complete shitshow in terms of local politics etc

i feel like time goes by so fast. it's already june next week. i try to take it slow and savor every moment bc i dont want to take anything for granted ever. but time tugs on until the months from the calendar fall to the floor in a heap

oh, i saw the moon last (last?) night and it was so pretty :'-) <3 I'd forgotten to look for it these past few,, months, im glad i got to see it this time (i feel like ive changed so much in terms of my priorities and goals these past few months, but seeing the moon made me feel reacquainted with a younger version of me. it felt nice)

Anyway i bought 20 pens for 2€ i fuckin love TEDi

lol why do i always feel shit when i ask for things I want to do or for things i need? i take pride in being flexible and mouldable but sometimes i should put my foot down and ask for things to go my way just once

for the first time in a while i woke up not feeling great :(

Dear Jeevan,

We have this thing, don't we?

We tell each other " I almost asked you if you wanted-" or "I almost asked you to come over" just to realize that we're not there. Not really, not physically.

I told you "I almost wish I could give you things, I wanted you to read Six of Crows" and you laugh and we mock each other for making this mistake over and over but still, you send me posts about this book you've never even read

And I decide right there, that maybe this is it

It's not you but the moments with you in it, that makes life so worth living.

Those voices and accents you make when you read to me or the way you shyly ask if you're being annoying while doing so.

Sometimes I can feel it, the insecurity and the shame and all I can think of is how happy you make me

How much I want to tell you that nothing could ever annoy me, not really, not if it's you

I want to tell you that I can barely contain myself whenever you call and the excitement makes me shake and how I have to wait in silence for a second because I don't trust my voice when I'm like this

How I'm so unconditionally fond of your existence

How I spent so much time killing the person I was before, the person that did silly voices and roleplayed on random places, that I spent hours just strangling the child I was, until it stopped moving and all I had was the empty space in my chest

That even now, when it lays still, I hold their corpse against my skin and yearn for the warmth I squeezed out of it.

And my heart hurts, just thinking that you might be doing the same. That one day, I'll hold your hand and you'll pull away.

Let me grab your hands and hold them against me, because you don't have to kill the person you were

Because I'll love you anyway, because I know how it feels to lose that part of you

Because it's you and how could I ever hate something so unapologetically you?

How could I ever hate you?

Because it's you and it's you that makes life so worth it

This is what living is, J

The excitement stirring in my chest, the grin I can't rip off my face,

Your favorite songs that you let me listen to

The art pieces I was allowed to look at

The jokes you repeat over and over

I am just so filled with pride, with emotions I can't describe

You make me alive, I feel like a person again, J

And it's you that made me this way

- "Timeless Bond"

I'm gonna get back to this sketch really soon.

I'm still a bit out of breath as I just got home from a 2 mile swim to the channel buoy and back, then a long run on the beach to clear my head. I'm sitting here on the front porch drinking too much & smoking more than I should while listening to the ocean. I'm a bit reflective and melancholy today. I visited the site of someone I swore I wouldn't ever visit again, and not only did I read her words, but I commented. And she'll definitely know it was me. (she always knows) We don't speak anymore. I don't ask why; I know it's because I left without a reason or a word of explanation. We've not spoken in months that piled up into years. Still, faithfully, like a newspaper showing up on the table every morning we pass poems, pieces of thoughts back and forth across the table of time. What can I say to her that she doesn't already know, that she doesn't hear from the other side of the world. Slowly, I breathe, and step into the rest of my day.

Video 5/27/22 © 𝚂𝚖𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝙵𝚞𝚖𝚎𝚜 

I work for a small family owned (Black Women owned💪🏽) business. At our company we repair and refurbish medical instruments as well as sharpen scissors for surgery. I’ve only been at the company for a year and currently I hold the title of apprentice medical instrument repair tech. At the end of my apprenticeship I will specialize in micro surgery instrument repair (tools used mainly for eye and brain surgery) I’ll specialize in general instrument repair (i.e. laparoscopic instruments and other basic instruments such as thumb forceps and speculums). Lastly I have to pick up the craft of powder coating which is as sounds we coat medical instruments in a special nylon powder spray, I absolutely love my job and feel everything that has happened in my work career life has lead me to this job and truly the universe ordained it......... to help keep our doors open I’m being furloughed for a week 🥴, that’s just the tip of my iceberg for the indie movie that is my life . Oddly enough I smoked a blunt and now I’m just like eh (the fuck it effect). I have a job interview tomorrow at a local grocery store chain to help fill the gap of income. I was really down today depressed, insecure, be littling myself all of those good toxic traits that live in my mind rent free..... my Brain scares me.

Truly I’m typing all of this just to say to myself. Tomorrow will be a new day and if I can make it to tomorrow that might be the day where all my dreams come true and the universe gives me my flowers while I’m still here.

dreamlog 2022-05-27

out of order events of a shared life that never happened to people who don't exist

this dream follows an alternate version of myself and my girlfriend as though we had grown up together. but the events jump around, and throughout, older and younger versions of ourselves are observing the different points playing out.

on the beach as kids

I wake up and we are lying on the sand. we talk about being together forever. Shes wearing an orange hat. A friend of ours runs back and she gets up. I'm lying on my stomach so I don't see the tide coming in and a big wave splashes me. its very cold and I get all wet.

on the bus, moving

We're on some kind of bus / rv. I don't know where we're going. I'm in the bus looking at my younger self, and there are rows of beds on the bus. an older version of her asks the observer me if I think its more interesting if they love each other from scene to scene or if its better if they forget, and have to fall in love again each time. I smile watching the younger version of her jump down from a bunk bed and wake me up, letting me know that we're coming into the town we're moving to.

growing up on the farm

Her brothers arrive. for some reason her brothers are like 4 clones of triple H and not her real life brothers. they start setting up their farm house and we help them move in. In one part this takes place before the first scene, as though this is us meeting for the first time and she has moved into the same town as me. The youngest version of her embarrasses the older version by telling me that she likes me. In another part, this is them moving away, and our family is just helping them move to this other town.

shopping at the goodwill

We are a bit older and we are shopping at a goodwill, but someone tries to rob the store with a knife. because he is threatening us and our friends, I try to stop him. he has a partner in crime and they're trying to build a bomb. I destroy his device, but the police show up and arrest them. They also confiscate the Halloween costumes we bought as evidence for some reason.

doing drugs at the party

We are older again. She is throwing a big party at a house. She has asked me to try and acquire percocets because she wants to try them. I have a friend that can get them but it will cost $100. I give him the money. we go to a CVS and buy them from the clerk there and try to sneak back to the party . We split them up and share them with a few friends. her and I both take half. I've never done drugs, so i have no idea what this is supposed to feel like, but in the dream i can feel myself chewing these hard white pills and getting dizzy. The owner of the house is upset at how dirty and destroyed the house is becoming and he is upset at us for doing drugs. he tells us we have to go into the bathroom and throw up.

I’m sitting alone in the mf park after a whole mental breakdown, waiting for my lover and my best friend

I don’t want to go work or do school I only want to write godwish

―  Susan Sontag, in Reborn: Journals and Notebooks (1947–1963).

Cute and cozy vibes ☁️🐺

insta: @darichonne

In the 60s a painter came to Reunion Island to portray three important political and cultural local figures.

My grandma managed to become an (unexpected) fourth person and got a painting of herself.

Here is the painting in 2019 standing on a wall in her prayer room.

my gender is confusion

why the FUCK did I wake up at 7:50 in the fucking morning ...

because my brain decided it was time for some sappy Lucifer shit apparently...