Mr. Smith #11: Mr. Smith Goes To The Movies
It was a beautiful Saturday in June, and Mr. Smith and his friends decided to go to the movies. Mr. Smith was failing his Sociology classes at University and needed a distraction- apparently three sentences about why Mr. Smith was a true genius wasn’t considered an essay, so Mr. Smith currently had a 2% in Sociology of Education.
Anyway, Mr. Smith’s friends were on their way to the movies, and they were already late because Simon kept getting lost even though the theater was five minutes from Mr. Smith’s parents’ house. Simon swerved in and out of both lanes randomly- he had forgotten how to drive. Then Philip noticed something on the side of the road.
“Look at that!” Philip cried out. He pointed to a pretty girl riding a bike.
“What?!” Asked Simon, taking his eyes off the road.
“Keep your eyes on the road, you moron!” Yelled Kitty, Mr. Smith’s best friend from the puppy farm. “You’re a stuck up rich dick! I should have this car!”
“Simon’s not rich,” Said Amy to the man. “He gets paid minimum wage.”
“What’s minimum wage?” Asked Kitty. “All I know is, he makes more than me and it’s not fair! I should make that much! America is the land of dreams! I graduated kindergarten, I should be living in a mansion in the Caribbean right now! I want a house that has six rooms!”
“That’s not a mansion,” Said Philip.
“My house is a box!” Yelled Kitty. “It’s a mansion to me!”
“You live in your parents’ house,” Said Susan. “You just sleep in a box in your parents’ living room because you have a cat’s name.”
“Sometimes I play with yarn when I can’t sleep,” Said Kitty. “It calms me.”
“That’s not related,” Said Mr. Smith. “You’re dumb.”
“If Mr. Smith knows you’re dumb, you know you’re stupid,” Said Amy.
“What does stupid mean, and what is a Mr. Smith? I only know Petunia.” Kitty replied.
“Shh! I’M Mr. Smith!” Yelled Mr. Smith, pounding his fist on the back of Philip’s chair.
“Look!” Yelled Philip again, pointing to the side of the road, where a turkey vulture was consuming a dead possum carcass. Mr. Smith gasped.
“It’s a phoenix!” Mr. Smith took a picture of it with his phone camera. “I have to tell the ornithology journals about this! I didn’t know they ate dead things!”
Simon peered at the side of the road. “No, that’s a yellowbird,”
Mr. Smith gasped. “How dare you question my expertise! It’s a blue phoenix!”
After fifteen minutes, they arrived at the movie theater to see a Horror movie about ghosts the day after it came out. They were, of course, late after Mr. Smith and his friends pulled over on the side of the road so Mr. Smith could pet the “phoenix,” which almost bit him before he ran away screaming like “a six year old girl” in Philip’s words.
As Mr. Smith and his friends walked through the theater, there was a jump scare and Mr. Smith yelled, “Oh no! Run away, don’t let the scary ghost get you!” Everyone in the front row where Mr. Smith and his friends were to be sitting whipped their heads around. Mr. Smith gasped. “Oh no! It’s YOU! The gay geniuses! Again! What are YOU doing at MY movie theater?!”
Leo sighed. “We just came to see a movie.”
Mr. Smith saw they were holding hands. “You two are awfully close friends! Why do you hold hands while watching a movie?”
Ritchie rolled his eyes. “We’re dating you idiot.”
Leo added, “We’ve been through this before.”
Mr. Smith gasped. “YOU’RE GAY! Two boys CAN’T date! Right, Kitty?” Mr. Smith turned to his best friend.
Kitty looked Leo and Ritchie up and down. “You’re wearing very expensive clothes. Can you be gay AND rich? Is that legal?”
“You can be gay and rich, dipshit,” Ritchie said.
“No you can’t!” Yelled Kitty. “It’s NOT FAIR! I should be rich! I I’m HOMELESS!”
“Again, you live in box in your parents’ living room because they gave you a cat’s name,” Said Simon.
“Close enough,” Said Kitty.
“You don’t even know us. How can you judge us?” Asked Leo.
“Mr. Smith told me all about you, Leo and… and… and…” Kitty paused, unsure of himself.
“Are you ok?” Asked Ritchie.
“No, I’m Kitty.” Said Kitty.
“He’s asking you if you need help,” Said Leo.
“You think you’re so smart because you’re richer than me,” Said Kitty. “I could be rich if I wanted to. I could be a rich entrepeneur, and you’d have no idea!”
“You have beer stains all over your shirt, if you were a rich entrepreneur you’d pay someone to wash it.” Said Leo.
“I don’t believe in hiring a maid, I believe in hard work as part of the American dream,” Said Kitty.
“Is that why you live in a cardboard box?” Asked Ritchie.
“I pay rent to live in that box- twenty dollars a month!” Kitty yelled.
“Why don’t you wash your shirt yourself?” Leo asked.
“I don’t know how to turn on the washing machine,” Said Kitty. “And water scares me, because of my name.”
“Oh my God, you’re a moron. I bet you flunked out of school,” Said Leo.
“I made it out of Kindergarten, then I joined the puppy farm Elementary School equivalency program where I later met Mr. Smith,” Said Kitty. “I made it to college, where my GPA was incredible, top of my class.”
“It was lower than mine. I had a 1.1 GPA and yours was -4,” Said Mr. Smith.
“The professors didn’t like that I kept doodling pictures of myself as a cat at the puppy farm on all of my tests, and the answers were wrong already, so I kept getting negative scores in all my classes.” Kitty explained.
“Oh my God,” Said Leo.
“You’re even more stupid than Mr. Smith!” Ritchie exclaimed.
“Shut up, devil spawn!” Yelled Mr. Smith. “I’m tired of your crap! I’m going to prove my 1000 level IQ once and for all!” Mr. Smith and his friends ran to the back of the theater, and Mr. Smith punched the man in charge of playing the film. Then Mr. Smith took his favorite home video, that he always had on him in case he ever needed to “prove his intelligence.” He had Simon play the movie after twenty minutes of trying to figure out how, and then ran back inside the theater to see how Leo and Ritchie reacted.
Mr. Smith took his seat next to Kitty, who was finally quiet after being shushed several times for yelling at Leo and Ritchie for being richer than him. The home movie began to play, displaying an eight year old Mr. Smith playing with puppies on the puppy farm as they mewed. “Would you like your own puppy, Petunia?”
“Puppy?” Asked Ritchie. “Those are kittens!”
Mr. Smith began mouthing words no one could hear and motioning with his hands. Then he began to count on his fingers, and then scratched his head for several minutes. “Oh I know! Puppies and kittens both make sounds, so you think they’re the same thing. They’re different. Kittens have shells and green skin. They go ‘mooo’ like this.”
“You mean TURTLES. And they most certainly do not moo!” Leo exclaimed in frustration.
“Turtles have fur and live in a petting zoo,” Said Mr. Smith. “Like I told you during your IQ test that you failed. Don’t you remember?”
“I remember, oh my God,” Said Leo. “You are all literally stupid!”
“I never litter!” Exclaimed Philip. “That was my twin doing community service for littering!”
“You don’t have a twin,” Said Amy.
“Sure I do. Simon is my twin!” Philip exclaimed.
“We’re not twins!” Yelled Simon. Philip shushed him.
“You’re two years apart, and you look nothing alike. You’re a brunette and Simon is blonde.” Said Susan.
“What is a brunette?” Asked Philip. “Is it a type of bread?”
“That’s a French baguette! You’re literally so stupid! And no, I do not mean that you litter, but it sounds like you do!” Leo snapped.
“My mother has a french baguette. She keeps all her money in there,” Said Mr. Smith.
“I give up. You’re all hopeless idiots!” Leo exclaimed.
“Shh! Watch me prove my intelligence!” Yelled Mr. Smith.
On screen, Mr. Smith continued to play with the “puppies.” Mr. Smith’s father said, “Now, Petunia, how many puppies do you see?”
Mr. Smith looked around the room in a panic. “I don’t know, Daddy,” He said.
“I’ll help you,” His Dad said. He touched each puppy’s head. “One, three, seven, sixty two, four, five. Five puppies.”
Eight year old Mr. Smith scratched his head, then began to mouth words while gesturing to the puppies. “That’s too many for me to count.”
“Alright, Petunia. That’s ok. Let’s move on to reading. Did you read my specialized copy of Hamlet for children?”
Mr. Smith covered his mouth with his hand and then began to gesture again. “No-o,” He said. “It was too big. Three pages long!”
“I’ll just tell you what happens. Hamlet and his friends Bob and Jonathan travel to the magical land of Narnia only to realize they’re too old and are sent back. Then Hamlet and his friends go to the zoo where they free all of the animals, and they have to go into hiding to avoid the police.”
Mr. Smith’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s so cool Daddy!”
“Next is science. What is Physics the study of?”
“Dead bodies! Like the ones you keep in your refridgerator!” Mr. Smith answered excitedly.
“Good job!” Exclaimed his father.
“Yay! I’m a genius!”
“You most certainly are,” Said Mr. Smith’s father.
“Yay!” Yelled Mr. Smith, clapping his hands.
“Finally we’ll do history. How was the puppy farm able to teach freedom of thought and imagination?” Mr. Smith’s father asked.
“Because you stuck it to the man!” Yelled Mr. Smith.
“That’s right. My great grandfather found out that the president was selling objects from the white house on the black market, so he threatened to tell the entire planet if the government didn’t pass a law that the puppy farm is untouchable. It was the only way to avoid a scandal.” He explained.
“Oh, so cool Daddy!” Yelled Mr. Smith.
The movie shut off then, and guards came into the theater and flanked Mr. Smith and his friends. “Are you responsible for hijacking this movie?”
Mr. Smith covered his face with his hands. “No-o?” He answered uncertainly.
“You’ll have to come with us,” Said the security guard.
“I just wanted to prove my intelligence! That’s not fair!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot. Then he grabbed Kitty’s popcorn and threw it up in the air, popcorn flying everywhere. He grabbed Leo’s drink. “Hey!” Leo protested. Mr. Smith dumped the drink over one of the guards’ heads. Then he picked Simon up over his shoulders and threw him at the movie screen, yelling, “Take that! My movie was better!” Finally the guards handcuffed him and took them all out, while Mr. Smith screamed at Leo and Ritchie, “You know I’m smarter! My movie proves it! You’ll see!” Then he broke free of the guards, along with his friends. “You’ll never take us alive!” And they ran all the way to Simon’s car and back home to study for an upcoming Sociology test, which Mr. Smith knew he would not fail- he’d learned all about Sociology at the puppy farm.