#recovery stuffs Tumblr posts

I know I haven't been very active on tumblr for a while. I'm going through a lot right now. For one, I'm still battling my ED and winning most days. And it's hard to battle that while dealing with PTSD and flashbacks and the stress of going into full disability even though all I want is to go back to work and take care of myself.

I was finally doing a little better financially too, i saved up 236 euros so far and was slowly climbing out of poverty step by step.

And then my cat had to go to the vet. Just for his anual vaccination, but it turns out his teeth are really bad and need to be fixed. Which means he'll have to go under anesthesia. He's 10 years old and seems okay but the vet wants to do a blood test (110 euros) to make sure.

The actual teeth cleaning is at least (if no xrays have to be made, which I don't thinks so tbh, one tooth may need to be pulled from what I can see) 140 euros, a full dental xray is 50 euros.

You know where this is going.

I had money saved up, I will have none left and then some.

Thankfully my parents are giving me some birthday money so I may come out of this better than expected but still. It's very scary.

I want my cat, my esa to be okay and healthy.

I want to be able to go back to work and earn an actual living.

I want to go back to school, go into the field of nutrition. I even picked out my next training and education in a flurry of hope.

I just want to be able to live my life and not be stuck in this loop of poverty and hellscape.

Wondering how much weight I can lose this summer by st4rving n walking 3 miles everyday… let’s find out😏

I just binged because if I restrict constipation says “hello I’m back bish” and I hate being bloated, it feels so uncomfortable 🥹

Can you tell I feel inspiration in Van Gogh bcs he was mentally ill?

chesty b0nez

ignore the robe i’m self tanning ok

Guys I miss the days where I could eat and it wouldn’t turn into a binge. Now If I don’t starve all day anything I eat will turn into a binge lord help me 🙏

ever since my second hospitalization i’ve been so scared to go outside on my own (probably a fear of myself). i’m so lucky to have a partner who will drive my car for me and help me run my errands while i get my mind to a somewhat healthy place 🤍

.

You love a fool who,

Who knows just how to get under your skin

Sorry for no posting anyways my 20 or smth followers are the only ones who care.

I've been doing great this weekend but doing a lot of drugs, kind of been 24/7 in my own world fantasizing about stuff.

I have one friend lol, great update bcs she lights out my days shout-out to Abby

And yeah I've written some stuff about my feelings these past days probably going to upload them soon :))

And that's it good bye ily

[tw food/ed/intrusive thoughts/restricting]

Today I did eat following my hunger cues and rn I’m here typing because I actually feel very VERY guilty and “bad” … just because, well YES BECAUSE IM MISSING MY ED I miss those days when I was so close to be tiny I miss those days when I didn’t lose control over the food.

But then again, I remember all the “side effects” of it. Just because I wanted to have a gOaL b0dY I was going through

- constipation

- painful bloating

- hair loss

- weak nails

- mood swings

- no focus

- bad memory

- very h4rmful intrusive thoughts

It was basically an hell inside of me.

And now I can’t say I’m totally recovered or at my best, but surely I laugh more, I’ve more energy, I can eat with more freedom.

And I want to achieve all of that at 100%. So I’ll keep going.

I accept these bad thoughts and this feeling.

But I move on.

I accept them, look at them and finally watch them go away.

Because I’m healing and I want to keep healing ❤️‍🩹

even though i hated the (2 hour) commute a small part of me wishes i could have kept working at the library, mostly because the grocery store across the street always had like, astonishingly good nectarines even in may....

like smell them from several feet away good

but unfortunately that’s two hours away and i no longer work at the library obviously so i will not be seeing those nectarines any time soon lmfao hopefully somewhere nearby has good ones this year 🤞

I stopped smoking cigarettes!

if y’all need someone to talk to i am here

you matter

please if you need help, contact me, i’ll be happy to hear your story

I hope whoever you are that you’ll find happiness and be healthy and live life at its fullest, because in the end this is what we all deserve and if I can’t have it now maybe it means someone else can have it for me

I drew Marion Silver from requiem for a dream for my friend Abby <3

[venting]

I just woke up.

I had lots of weird and bad dreams (like in one of those my mum wanted me to eat a gigantic slice of pizza and I physically couldn’t lol)

Also yesterday I realised that i wasn’t registered for todays exam ???? And I panicked because it was already a hard day and even that had to happen.

I sent a mail to my professor when it was 11:30pm and ig I sounded desperate asf because she told be I could come 💀

I’m veeeery nervous (also cause my tickets for the train aren’t valid for today but for yesterday since I mistook the day and if the one who checks tickets will be there I’ll have to play it cool and go “omGgg whaaaat I was sure they were for todayyy pleaseee understand me because I actually bought them pleeeease”…. 🤡).

Help I hope everything will workout well 😭

I wish I could get angry at my father instead of myself. He deserves my anger more than I do.

I look for you in the world that drowns me, that holds me and forgets me.

In the hurry of the people, turning the corner.

And you scape like the fish from the shore,

like the day from the night,

always close and they never look at each other.

And I face in the nights, a very empty bed.

And I fill it with stories, adventures and malices

Then comes your memory and its farewell song,

I find myself, night after night,

at the starting point... at the starting point.

The morning wakes me up, and I have a new day, and I paint it with colors in the case you come back.

And I desguise as poet, as Andalusian minstrel,

I look for you on the streets and people don't even look at me.

CW !! ⚠️ mentions of SH, mentions of suicide, cussing,

________

Nothing surprises me anymore in my behavior as a monster. Nothing hurts me like the way that I hurt you. And if I ki11ed mys31f would it hurt you more or would you rather I was here this fucked up? Always messing up you, always messing up me too

I didn't want this I hope you know that I did not. Do you know that I am sadder right now than I ever ever thought that I would be? Who knew me before this shit or has it always been like this? Either way, I cvt mys31f today and I fucked up. Cause I like you, but that's the whole fucking problem. Cause I don't know how to treat people I love so I don't want to keep on loving you cause it's hurting me and also hurting you too. Cause I can feel you slipping away

I can feel you slipping away

Why's it like this? It is hurting me which is hurting you, which is what I, what I always do. Always fucking up somehow. I just wish that loving was not so fucking tough, but nothing is and that's why it's unfair

Cause I love you so so so much.

And I am sorry that I love you. I am, I am. I am sorry that I can't make you understand. You can't read my mind and I can't read yours, which should be alright, but it's hard, of course. Nothing ever is easy with me

But I'm sorry either way.

- Blood Girl ( But That's The Whole Fucking Problem)